Being tall must be pretty cool - you can easily grab things off of high shelves at the grocery store and you can probably play basketball pretty well. However, it’s going to make my attempt to kiss you so much harder.
it’s not a bad feeling, knowing that you belong to no where.
i wish i had the balls and the intelligence to confidently take a year off and just live day by day. i’d work all day and chill all night and i’d live the lax life of a girl i’ve always fantasied being. but there’s too much pressure and too much guilt upon my shoulders.
i know i am heading off to college within a few months and i will into that monotonous lapse of daily routine, despite the fact that college gives you so much, “freedom.” but you are never really free until you are free of everything. i kind of regret going to college, i’m sure i’ll just end up with a job that never required a degree anyways.
i’d be happier in california, on the beach, packing up whenever i can’t pay the rent and crashing with a couple of friends. working in a cafe and taking in the sights, the life. or even in london, with it’s tiny, busy streets, the hectic lifestyle, i’d be happier anywhere but in college. that’s not to say that i wouldn’t be happy in college, i’d just be happier.
i didn’t look like this, maybe you would’ve stayed. we are perfect and i can feel it, you can feel it. when you touch me my skin explodes into a thousand storms. can you feel my heart, can you see that i struggle to return the coldness you give me after your warmth. i try not to break when you are being more perfect than you could ever be.
can you love me, i am worth it. can you love me, you need it. can you love me, so we can exist as we.
i graduated not only high school, but i graduated from my former self. it’s a time to start over in a new environment with my newly acquired skills and my refined skills. it just hit me now that i probably won’t see 90% of anyone ever again, and it breaks my heart, it does! there are some people i’ll miss terribly, but we’ve never really hung out outside of school nor are our social circles similar, so the chances of us seeing each other casually one day is quite slim. but, no matter, out of the 350 people i’ll never see again, i’m only going to miss 2%. sure, i will be missing seeing people around in the grimey hallways of malden high, but that’s all i’ll miss. i don’t know. i’ll miss the memories made and the memories that had a chance to be made. i’ll miss a lot.
it dawned on me now that i have absolutely nothing to do with malden high anymore. no obligations, no tests i have to re-take, no projects i have to turn in, nothing. which is kind of both terrifying and relieving. relieving in the fact that i’m done with high school! i’m done with the structure and i’m done with the hand-holding, i’m done with generalized classes and the pre-teen immaturity. terrifying in the fact that, there really is no one to hold my hand anymore, no one to feed me reminders, my independence both scares me and puts me in awe. i don’t know what i am like by myself.
already, i’ve fallen far behind on my college shit because there’s no teacher or counselor up my ass about these things. i keep shrugging it off even though i know it’s terribly important. i don’t know why i do that, and hopefully i can correct that before college starts.
college, it’s going to be hard, no doubt about it. but as hard as it gets, i’ll look back fondly on the wonderful memories that were created and the wonderful people that i’ve met and it’ll remind me that, i’ve gone through high school, which was probably one of the hardest things i’ve endured, and i made some good out of it. and that reminder by itself is, i’m hoping, enough to provide me with some amount of willpower to struggle through my college routine.
thank you high school, thank you high schoolers. i will miss you both.
on a side note:
i am hoping to go into college with a relationship. i know i’ve been bitching about how i don’t want a relationship before college and etc, but i’ve never felt this way before! and it’s crazy, i don’t know. i hope it works out. HEHEHEHEE